How Long Until I Believe God?

It's been forever since I posted. There's been no news, no pictures, no updates---just silence. I think that silence is a good indicator about how I've felt lately. I LOVE being married, but I have no job and stay at home with our puppy, Maple, all day. If I had thought that when I got married that I would be doing this maybe I wouldn't feel so down about it. The truth is though, this is not what I expected at all.

I expected to have a job. I expected Tommie and I to get home from work, both talking about the challenges of our days filled with pleasing our bosses and sipping coffee-like drinks to keep up with the workload. Instead, I didn't get a job when I first got here and I've spent most evenings asking Tommie about work and telling him about the challenges of my day filled with keeping Maple from doing her business on our carpet and how the laundry or meal didn't turn out just right.

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been bad, it just wasn't what I expected and I think for a while it got me down. I've been reading DONALD MILLER's book "SEARCHING FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT" and it's been talking about our need for God to tell us who we are. In fact, Miller suggests that as humans we are formed to have something outside of ourselves tell us who we are. In the Beginning, that person was God, but after the Fall, that relationship was broken and we've been searching for that voice ever since.

This makes sense to me. I've been looking for a job position, a husband, a group of new friends, or my status to tell me who I am. I've been looking for the difficulty of my day, the amount of praise I receive from other people---all of these things I've been hoping had the answer to who I am, and hopefully they would say that I'm amazing, beautiful, talented, smart and, above all, needed. But they haven't said a word of that. Instead, my lack of a job has said that I'm lazy, not good enough, small, insignificant. My simple days have told me that I'm not special, that I could be replaced. Though my husband tells me wonderful things, he could never live up to the voice I NEED to hear.

God tells me those things. It's just that lately, I haven't even bothered to hear who he says I am. I haven't spent 20 minutes listening to what God has for me, who he says I am or what He says I can do. It's all in the Bible too. It says in Romans that there is no condemnation in Christ- I don't have to hear the voice that tells me I'm nothing. Throughout the New Testament it says that in Christ I am a new creation-I'm not simple or boring, I'm brand new and I am in the image of Christ. In the same vein, I am created after God's own image--physically or not, that means God will tell me I'm beautiful and exactly what He wanted. The Bible also says that by God I am loved...I am not insignificant. I am needed. I am loved by God and in Christ.

I need to change the way I measure who I am. I need to believe God when He tells me who I am. When it's God who measures me I can be happy doing anything because He's there, whispering in my ear and in my heart, "continue this way my beautiful girl, you're doing great." I think that's why 2 Corinthians talks about doing everything as though unto the Lord: we really are meant to please our God first and foremost. His voice is the one that matters.

So apron or suit, carpet cleaner or laptop, high heels or socked feet, walks with the puppy or days at the office, whatever I do, I know who I am-not because of what I do, but because of who God says I am.

I believe Him.

WE GOT MARRIED--AND NOW YOU CAN SEE IT!

That's right folks. After a long two months, wedding photos are finally up!

Just click this red word: photos to go to our wedding photobook. Click on any of the four categories of photos and check out our Alabama vow exchange!

If you want a copy of any, just let me know and I'll send something your way!

Much love----Alisa Bozich

Shane&Shane in our car, on our phones...

Let's go on tour. Have babies on a bus. Pop tires in every city we visit...

So, Shane and Shane are playing a concert at our church tonight and Tommie, myself and some of our friends have had the privilege of hanging out with them and their crew all day setting up the stage and whatnot. Shane Evrett's wife is pregnant and beautiful-that's what the baby thing is about. And they popped a tire on their trailor this afternoon, so we've been running around little ol' Trussville, AL looking for the right tire for them-that's what the popping the tire thing is about.

I had the opportunity to be chauffeur for a few of the musicians and whatnot also. It's been a busy day filled with work, food, fun and new people, all of whom have been exceptionally nice.

It all makes me think though, are Tommie and I ready for this? I feel the beginning of something in Tommie's voice as he talks about going on tour someday, something that makes me think it's not a day so far away. I would be totally for it, but it just makes me examine all these people here all that much closer. It also makes me wonder, who would I be in the midst of that? I know I would be Tommie's wife, but what else? Do I need something else?

I think it's kind of like this, last night one of our friends called and said that he needed and extra girl to play on his rec softball team that night or they'd be disqualified and could I please play? Well, I may not be the best softballer out there, but I can hold my own! So Tommie and I went out there and I was actually pretty excited to have Tommie be out there in the stands, uninvolved, simply there because I was. I was looking forward to having him cheering for me without being in it himself. I guess, in reality, I was excited to be the ONLY half of our pair in the spotlight for an event. Well, it turned out our friend needed an extra guy too, so Tommie donned a jersey and came out and played too. He did great-he really has an incredbile arm! I had no idea. Anyway, Tommie came out and played shortstop beautifully, enough that all the guys were impressed, and I played second base a little sloppily, but still okay, and I made a hit that got me at least on first. So both of us did well and Tommie did GREAT.

Is it wrong though that though we played together and had so much fun and we both did pretty well (Tommie very well) that I was a little disappointed that it wasn't just me playing and him watching? He got to be in my spotlight. I think it bruised my ego. Anyway, relating back to the on tour thing, I wonder if that's how I will feel all the time? I want to be excited to be on tour with my husband, him in the spotlight, me on the sidelines cheering him on without resentment. That's I guess my single hesitation about touring right now at this second-I need a heart adjustment. I imagine it's coming. God rarely let's me just think about these things and not get them resolved.

Who knows, maybe I'll even have a chance to talk to Shane's wife about it and see what she thinks...So, wish the guys luck with their show tonight and go see them if they're in your town... here's the link to their site, which I hope has tour dates for you:
shane&shane

Apologies, Apologies....

Okay, so it truly has been a while since I posted last. I would like to tell you all though that I think it's for decent reasons! I'm married, graduated and have moved to Trussville, AL. In short, it's been a busy month for me.

But bags and boxes are unpacked, the job hunt is on and our house has even been TP'd one time already. I'd say it's about time to get things back in gear-especially since I know you've all been waiting desperately for another post!

So, marriage is nothing at all like I thought it would be. Actually, it is something like I thought it would be: Tommie and I live in one house and sleep in one bed (two twin matresses stuffed inot a king size frame) and we eat together and share finances and life, etc. I guess what I mean is that the emotional and spiritual side of marriage I don't think I could fathom before it actually happened. It's been interesting to compare the way we have felt during these four weeks of marriage-loving, complacent, excited, distanct, incredibly close-to compare those feelings and contexts to our relationship with God.

I think the most striking thing for me is how much marriage has confirmed my relationship with Christ and the Father and how much that relationship with our God has confirmed my relationship with Tommie. I realize that despite any feelings of distance from either of them, the commitment of love we have binds us. Christ binds us: Colossians 1:16-18. He binds both me to the Father and Tommie and I to each other. That makes those days of distance not seem so scary and seem like something that will bring growth. And it has. The days of admiration and love for one or the other also causes me to examine the way I feel towards the other. God's divine creation is us, and his divine command is LOVE. I think that's why the mystery of love is consuming right now---not the mushy feelings you're all expecting newlywed to harbor, but a true, raw, committed love that stands firm even in times of doubt or diappointment. Love is consuming me because I didn't realize what it was, or I hadn't thought about it in a while. GOD is love. He is an eternal mystery and therefore love will always be to me as well.

Finally, I'd like to mention a quote that I heard from a man named Ravi Zacharias: "Love is a posture of the soul." Think about it.

More to come.

to see some photos from our wedding click here.

LONG TIME! No Talk-What's Up With Me Anyway?

New Things.

So, it's been a pretty long while since I posted last. This summer has been a whirlwind, but I decided it's time to remember my responsibilities and get back to work! So, here is your sneak peek into what's been going on with me and what's to come (not in any order...well, actually, I'll save the best for last so you read the whole entry):

1. I got published again!
I'm excited to say that radiantmag.com has published an article that may seem familiar to those of you who consistently read my blog. It's even the lead article! Actually, they published my previous blog entry on their on-line magazine. Here's the link for now, though it will probably only be good for about a week:
radiantmag.com
If you're trying after about August 7, 2006 you'll probably have to try this link:

http://www.radiantmag.com/article.php?id=102

I'm psyched about that and looking to try and get into their print magazine here in the near future, so keep your eyes peeled!

2. I'm graduating college!
On August 12 I will officially graduate the University of Florida with a degree in Public Relations. After sixteen years of school it's about time I have something profound to show for it!
GO Gators!

3. I'm becoming Mrs. Tommie Bozich!
That's right everyone. I'm getting married on August 19! The insanity of graduation will be tempered by the following weekends activity: having a wedding! Tommie and I are getting married in Eutaw, Alabama on a farm and I can't WAIT to post some pictures. I'm looking forward to marriage, but my nerves also let me know that I need to lean on God first and foremost. That's another reason I haven't posted lately...I've been planning a wedding!
If you think about us, please pray for us, that our marriage will exemplify Christ's love for his Church.
You can expect some interesting posts as I get used to the idea of being a wife and HAVING A HUSBAND! (and learning to share a closet...)

I can't wait to post again after all of this whirlwind dies down.
In Christ-*me*

The Dream

The dream.

There are some dreams that are very individual. For instance, when I was in the second grade I fell in love with the boy that sat next to me. He was a new boy at school and I knew we were destined to be married (I guess I was a hopeless romantic even then). I dreamt one night of him and another cute boy in my grade fighting in a boxing ring for my attention while I sat by the side in a gorgeous red gown awaiting the winner- who would obviously be the new boy. It was a good dream and I had it more than once. It’s nice to be liked by boys, and that was a dream that I had then.

I’m not in the second grade anymore though. Chances are, neither are you.

The things we used to dream of have changed-even if the core values may still be similar. There is one dream though that seems to have caught us all as we have grown. It has whispered in our ears what we want to hear, and we have listened and followed in pursuit. We want it. We shape our lives to gain it. We dream about it.

We dream of the good life.

What is the good life? Well, I guess that depends on you and what things you hold dear. For many of us it is the nice house with the right number of kids and the good-looking or successful spouse by our side encouraging us to follow our dreams of more ‘good stuff’. For others it is a life of total independence, exploring the world with few rules and even fewer things to tie us down. For others the dream is still undefined, but we dream of the dream. We dream of knowing what we want to do and knowing how to get there.
As women, the dream calls to us in our relationships, our careers and our families, asking us to chase it with all of what we’re made of.

I guess if we’re devoting our lives to it, if we’re giving all we’re made of to it, we ought to ask, where is our dream coming from?

I’m convinced lately that many of the things I’ve dreamed of having in my life I’ve dreamed of because someone else told me it was the right dream, the most desirable thing. But i living in the suburbs with a nice car and a nice house really the dream I should pursue? Is traveling the world in pursuit of beauty and truth really what will fulfill me? Will having a ‘passion’ (other than Christ) really make me whole?

I think sometimes we confuse what other people call success with the completion of God’s intention for our lives. What is it that God wants me dreaming of? What is it that Christ desires of my life? Is it the suburban life? If it is, then I want it. If it’s not, I want to know that and to look for what He’s calling me to.

It says in Proverbs 20:24 “Man’s steps are ordained by the Lord, How then can man understand his way?” I think I so often get the idea that my steps are ordained by my dreams. I feel like if I’ve dreamt of it, then it must be a dream that I should step toward. I’m learning more and more though that the steps I take in my life toward something really should be the steps God is directing me to. That’s hard because sometimes God’s steps seem out of synch with the successes calling our names from our dreams. It’s hard because sometimes God doesn’t make sense in my understanding of logic. But the thing is, I may not understand His way, but I know that it is the way that will lead me to the ultimate dream of my life as a Christian: Living in a way that is worthy of the gift of Christ, gaining in the death of my dreams more than I ever could have found in the pursuit of the empty life chasing dreams I created on my own.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe God gives us dreams and passions sometimes that do direct our steps. The difference is, God has given us those dreams, and we haven’t dreamt them up ourselves in an effort to fill some sort of selfish purpose.

We need to know the source of dreams. We need to know where they come from, so we know where they might lead us.

To sum it up, Colossians 3:1-4, says it pretty well:
“Therefore, if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory.”

He is our life. Let Him be our dream.

I Got Published!

Hey all! I happened to get published on Radiant Magazine's online magazine last week. Here's a link to check it out!

http://www.radiantmag.com/article.php?id=75

Also, here are some comments from various readers. I have to say, I am beyond grateful that an article I wrote connected withreaders. Thank you for your responses. (also, just a note, the one letter referring to "Allison" is [as far as I can tell] meant to say "Alisa")

http://www.radiantmag.com/article.php?id=77

Keep checking on Radiantmag.com for other articles you might enjoy, and keep your eyes peeled and maybe you'll see more from me!

Jesus is My Treasure

I was born with a contrary spirit- I'm convinced.

Everything I see I feel could or should be examined differently or done in a different way. Every argument has another side. I don't think I always bring up the other side in conversation, but I can guarantee you that I'm almost always thinking of it.

Last night I went to an event at our University of Florida BCM (Baptist Collegiate Ministries) at which there were response cards to be filled out by the students in reaction to the salvation message given by one of the student pastors from a nearby church.

The message was presented quite tastefully with Christ as the center and public and personal opinion primarily left by the wayside. I thought the story of Christ was presented well. (And isn't it funny that I think my opinion counts so much.)

My story of Jesus as my "treasure" begins whenI examined the response cards with my friends as we were being directed by the student pastor to fill them out according to our decision we made that night. The first line said, "I have asked Jesus to be my treasure." I looked at that and immediately thought, "What the heck does that mean?" There was no mention of Jesus as treasure in the message, no relevancy of the word to that night's preaching. Granted, I know the intent of using that word, but seriously, did my non-Christian friends who were attending, searching for Christ, did they know what it meant to ask Christ to be their treasure? I don't think I would even be able to explain it to them. It seemed like such a misuse, or rather a vague description of what the Christian call truly is asking of us. Count the cost, right? Tell them the cost.

Additionally, there was a line that said, "I am already commited to Christ, but have been doing things apart from Christ and would like to rededicate my life to Jesus." I have a HUGE problem with that word, rededicate. In my estimation, we are called to Christ and answer him one time. Rededication to me sounds like an easier word than saying repentance. If we have been called to Christ and have strayed, our duty then is to repent not to rededicate, which seems like an offering of promises to try harder when the only one who can perfect us is not ourselves, but rather, Christ.

I know this sounds like a harsh review of something seemingly inconsequential in the great scheme of things. I realize that response cards, ultimately, cannot interfere with the work of the Holy Spirit. It just seems like we could be doing things so much better. I am a word person, always looking for the perfect word to fill a void in a paper or a card. There are others out there who are word people too who might agree with me that these words conceal the reality of Christ's calling to some degree by placing the true understanding of salvation under a veil of "Christianese" that is nearly impenetrable by those outside the Christian circle.

It's not that I'm condemning these cards or their writers. I am just suggesting that we can do it better and we ought to try. I don't even disagree with the phrase "Jesus is my treasure." He truly is. But without an explanation as to why that is, I can't imagine someone else understanding that usage.

Jesus is my treasure.

[This is an old piece that I was looking over. I think it accurately describes the way I feel about Tommie...I was also thinking, I think this is the way I feel about God-except more...]

November 14, 2005

I woke up this morning in the Tampa airport as the sun was coming overthe buildings and reminding me to open my eyes. I had fallen asleep, waiting at the gate, and as I woke an overwhelming sense that I was about to have an adventure overcame me. Traveling always does that to me, it makes me hungry for adventure, hungry for a new beginning and so much potential. It scares me and thrills me, and as I sat there, I thought- "Tommie would love a morning like this. He'd like to dream about the adventure the day will bring."

Later, as I was flying into Minneapolis and looking over the acres and acres of farmhouses bathed in the breathtaking light the sun casts in the mid-morning hours, I thought - "Tommie could look at that land and see its potential. He could look and see how his heart could love that place." Finally, as my mom and brother were driving me to Mt. Vernon, Illinois, as we were passing equally exquisite and dilapidated farm buildings and fields of birds flying in a somehow concerted act of motion, as if someone were directing their flock in flight, I thought, "Tommie would want to stop and take a picture there, and here, and right there, and of that. He would love this place."

I want him with me. He's always threading through my thoughts in little and big things-at important and unimportant times. He is in every adventure I take and I don't think there is a time when I wouldn't rather have him here. I love that.

I also cherish how we are right now, and I love that right now, I can only wish and hope and dream of being with him as often as I'd like...it makes me love him so much stronger and it makes me appreciate him so much more. He really is in my head--all the time. He may not always be the central focus-and for obvious and good reason...but he's always there. I'm not sure I could ever explain how I love him. I'm not sure that it would matter much either, in light of how thankful I am for the way he love me. I feel it, it makes me better. He makes me better. I'm overcome right now with the love I have for him right now.

He's my man.

The Missional Missions of Missionaries and the Like.

I love mission trips. I've been on plenty, though none were long term, and each provided me with lessons and experiences I'm certain have shaped who I am and what I know about God. But then again, my every day experiences also have all provided me with lessons and experiences I'm certain have shaped who I am and what I know about God.

Mission trips trips give me a chance to express Christ's love and share the Gospel with people who may never have heard the reality and truth of Christ's sacrifice. Then again, my every day experiences also give me a chace to express Christ's love and share the Gospel with people woh may never have heard the reality and truth of Christ's sacrifice.

Mission trips give me a unique opportunity to serve God in a way I cannot in my daily life. Right? Well I think this one is probably one that I agree with. Just as baking with friends from class, watching children for a single mother and listening and caring for someone who is hurting all give me the unique opportunity to serve God in a way I cannot in my daily life.

I really do believe in mission trips. But here's the thing, I don't believe in mission trips if your life isn't missional already. More to come..............

These Shoes Won't Make People Love Me

Tommie would probably be first to tell you, I own a phenomenal number of shoes. I have flats in all the essential colors-including magenta and tweed-and heels that could stab through a sternum. I also have the mandatory retro tennies (nike in my case) and a few hand-me-downs that I got from my exceedingly style-savvy mom. I like my shoes. In fact, this past weekend I went to Target and bought 2 pairs at one time-both sandals, and both absolutely necessary, after all, my other brown sandals are showing their wear and might not make it through June...That's actually true. I have them sitting lonely in my closet thinking that if I just keep them there I won't have to admit that they've finally died.

Anyway, I have so many shoes that Tommie actually questioned me about where I thought I would put them all when we move into our house after we get married. Would I need another cabinet? Will he have to share his side of the closet in order to acommodate the shoes to match each of my personalities? I laughed at the time, and still find it light-hearted and amusing, but my mood tongiht (a bit melancholy, I must admit) has me thinking a bit differently about my obsession with shoes and the way it matches what I'm feeling right now.

I read an article by a girl named Tara Leigh Cobble. She was in a store looking for THE killer outfit for the event she was going to, at which she would see her crush. She found the outfit...but while waiting in line to purchase the must-have, she said outloud(apparently her subconscious is more powerful than mine): "This won't make people love me." She continued to say, " This outfit-it won't make people love me. I just realized that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to get people to love me by buying this oufit."

It's not that she's consciously thinking, this outfit will make people fall at my feet and drool. It's that her frame of thinking was, what I've got now won't do, I need to turn someone's head with something other than what I have. This outfit will register a feeling in someone's mind that wouldn't previously be there. I have to confess, I think I do the same thing with shoes on occasion. I think I look at a pair of shoes and think, "What would people think of me if I wore these shoes?" Would I be sexy, stylish, casual, emo, sweet-looking. What is it that I'm trying for? Will it make Tommie turn his head? Will the response to these shoes or this outfit finally make him do the thing that will let me know that he will love me forever? (by the way...a ring usually means that...)

Tonight I'm dying for Tommie to call. He's been in Alabama all week and I still won't see him until Friday late. It will only be two weeks we haven't seen each other, but I dare you to try it with your sweetheart before you smirk or laugh...it can be a little tough-not killer, but tough at least. Anyway, I'm dying for a phone call. I want him to say that he needs me, he HAS to talk to me because his night would not be complete without a soul-touching moment over the telephone lines. Actually, I want to call him, but I'm restraining myself because I know that I will be disappointed with what he has to "say," or at least what his actions (or my premption of his actions) have told my heart. I'm waiting for his actions to tell me that I'm loved by him when he's told me that more times that I probably need or deserve.

I do the same thing with shoes. I wear shoes sometimes just because they go with the outfit or because they have the right sole or attachments-because of their functionality of sorts...But there are times when I'm looking for my outfit to define me. I want people to see me and validate the fact that I'm emo, or sweet-looking, casual, stylish, sexy. Thing is, I preempt people's comments...I'm always disappointed with what they have to "say" because I'm hanging my hopes on the wrong thing.

I hope this is coming out okay and that anyone who's reading this following what I'm getting at. I want to say, I need to be careful with what I'm allowing to define my reality. Tommie may not call me, he may not tell me I'm beautiful today. No one may notice or mention the fact that I'm wearing magenta flats with a rhinestone brooch. They may not notice or they may not care. But there is one certainty---I have already been approved. I am already complete. I have already been made as beautiful as I could ever be. I have been accepted in all the forms that I come in (..I think even the sexy one...God made that too). The day Christ breathed his life into mine and the Spirit inhabited me I inheirited more acceptance and beauty than I would ever warrant on my own, or than shoes or phone calls could ever provide. I'm lonely and morose tonight-but it isn't right and I'll take the time to talk to God about it before I sleep. I'm accepted and loved now, as I am....AND SO ARE YOU if your life has been rejected then renewed by the Holy Spirit. It funny...all of that is so true, and yet, sometimes shoes are just fun....I'm still planning what shoes I'll wear tomorrow. The black flat Enzo Angelini ballets.

My Spring Break: Complete with SNOW!!!

So I just wanted to take a minute and let everyone know, instead of the beach and bikinis this year for spring break, I headed out to Denver to see my parents and today it snowed ALL DAY!

The first picture is at the beginning of the daya nd the next two are as the day progressed....it kept snowing harder and harder! Check it out:

I'll be headed up to Vail on Thursday to go snowboarding with my sister...in more snow. I'm psyched! This is really a very cool spring break.

I Want to be Missed...I Think

My fiancee is amazing. Seriously, Tommie is more talented than almost anyone I know. He plays guitar, designs, sings, leads worship. He's exceedingly handsome...I love that man.

Tommie also has the chance to travel often and to lead worship around the nation. Last summer he was in California for two months at the JH Ranch. He's consistently gone for periods of times...in Alabama, in Tampa...etc. I love that. I love that he has that opportunity and I love that people love him and his work. I'm beyond proud. I mean, look at him!!!!


I have to admit though...While Tommie is gone, I miss him like crazy!!!! I know that's no surprise. It's even nice to think that I care for him enough to wish I were with him most of the time.

A slight problem arises however when I start thinking that at least once I'd like for him to know how it feels to be left behind while I go off to find adventure for a period of time...I want to be missed. I want him to wonder at my experiences while he works on his daily life day after day...Doesn't that sound horrible?!?! I know it's selfish, and I know it's self-serving (kind of the same things I guess).

I likely won't have the chance to be gone for any stint of adventure before Tommie and I get married. He'll be in Birmingham for three months this summer, and I'll be here in Gainesville. He'll be on another adventure, but it will be the beginning of the one we'll have together as soon as I move up there in August. Despite my selfish feelings, I don't think it would be right to want to have that type of solo adventure after we're married. How are a married couple supposed to exist apart from each other for so long? I don't think we're supposed to do that.

Tommie and I will talk about it, and he and I will work it out. And the Holy Spirit is continuously working on me. As the Spirit purifies me, I will be able to live less selfishly. I'm embarrassed of my feelings, but I know that in reality, who I am is found in Christ, not in the sin that entangles me at every turn.

Mediocrity Will Kill This Cat

I met someone in Birmingham this week while I was up there with Tommie. He was generous and showed us around town and introduced us to the artsy side of the city that I was afraid it might not have- the side with the mismatched lamps and uneven tables and antique chairs that are lived in but elegant. He intoduced us to the city skyline from a view I'll never forget. And he introduced us to his life, his friends, his history, barely knowing us and taking us for who we were. Tommie and I became friends with him that day, and I hope we will be for quite some time. I think we have more to learn from him, explore with him.

One of the first things he wanted Tommie and me to see was his (new) fiancee's profile online. She was out of town in Costa Rica and attendds school out of state, so this was the only way he could share this extrememly important part of his life. So out of curiosity I checked her profile on Facebook..which of course was unavailable to me because I don't go to her school. So I will have to wait and see what this girl, woman, the woman that this man loves, is like apart from his amazing descriptions of her. Hopefully I can add her to the list of friends I made that day, in a roundabout sort of way.

While speaking with this new friend, he menitoned that his fiancee writes, and not just in diaries of some sort. She is a contributing writer to national magazines. So I Googled her writings and found one or two. I found one writing in which she was described a journey she took in Spain through the mountains. In perfectly concise and beautiful detail she described a small, unremarkable stone cave cafe of sorts, where she met Spain and the mystery of that mountain. It was beautiful writing. He was right, she's incredibly talented, and apparently motivated as well to have her work published. She has written quite a few things, though this was the only one I read.

I sat and read this beautiful writing and wanted to cry...I hate to admit it, but I think it was out of a type of jealousy, jealousy for a gift that could touch a stranger through the impersonal media of a computer screen. I'm jealous to have a gift that touches anyone at all. I'm jealous for the motivation to make a difference or to share what knowledge of life I dare to believe I possess.

I felt these things amidst my knowledge that I should repent of these thoughts: as everyone is quick to remind me, we all have our gifts, our talents. We should be thankful for them and use them to the best of our ability for God's will in our life. I agree. I know... I don't feel it. I desire a purpose that I have yet to see. I desire a strength to pursue things that I think I could maybe be gifted at. I want to bare my gifts and have them find some heart that is in need of them. I think though, I know, I am prideful, and I want my gifts to be noticed.

God change my heart. Write in my heart the truth of what you desire of me. Alter my desires that I would desire yours over mine, that I should speak of what you've done and not what I can do. Make me strong to pursue what you would have me, and strong to deny the pursuit of things which you would ask I not. Mediocrity will kill me, but pursuit of vanity will as well. Teach me. Teach me. Teach me.

Grant-This is for You Brother

Check out our new 'community' experiment. Feel free to leave a post, but please don't forget to sign it!

www.kingdomofcookiebites.blogspot.com

yeah, i'd say that's a sweet blog name. literally. (punny, punny)

*Random Fears of Public Restrooms*

I know a guy who will not use a public restroom--ever. He will go on a roadtrip, an eight hour roadtrip, and not use the bathroom once, not even just to go #1! Though I find it slightly odd, I don't know where that compulsion comes from, and I guess that's one of the intricacies that makes my friend who he is.

I've noticed lately however, that I'm starting to have my own "bathroom thing." I'm the type of person that likes to know where all the exits to a room are when I'm in it. I want to know there is a way out in case someone comes in that I need to get away from.

I was thinking the other day when I went to the restroom at work, the women's restroom could potentially be a very scary place. In Turlington Hall, where I work, the restrooms have two doors, one for entry into a hallway, another for entry into the actual restroom. That's it. They both line up and there's no other way out. AND if I yelled, I have to wonder if anyone in the hallway would hear me through all that empty space and hallway?!?! Besides that, if someone came in with suspicious intentions, how could I get away? Locking myself in the stall certainly wouldn't help---crawl under or over and I'm done for! It's kind of funny to think about the only reason guys don't come in our bathroom on a regular basis is because the stick figure on the front of the door doesn't match their anatomy. Nothing really is stopping a man from coming in the bathroom, or for that matter, an angry woman.

I'm not trying to say we should boycott public restrooms (though my frined may be on to something and may one day prove to have a healthier life thanks to his avoidance of the billions of disgusting things that grow in public restrooms). I'm also not saying I'm never going to use them again. I just am saying that lately whenever I'm in one I'm think of how to get out.

I guess that means I have a public restroom issue now too. Lame.

Imagine What?

So, this is just a short post to exhibit my nosiness...but I think something more as well.

I was walking on campus between classes and huge group of students came walking past me. Through the crowd I heard a girl talking loudly saying, "Imgaine that, a guy who reads the Bible every day would be..." and that's all I heard. I wanted to turn around and follow her and hear what she was saying. I wanted to stop her and ask her to repeat herself. I wanted to know, just what is a guy who read the Bible every day? What does she think? Is she in favor or against it?

Of course, then it led me to actually start thinking, what exactly is a guy who reads the Bible every day? Is he a Christian? Maybe. Is he Godly? Maybe. What had this guy done to this girl to make her talk about it? Had he been loving, hurtful?

Then it made me think even more...what would I be if I read the Bible every day? Would it matter? Would I be a better person, or would I just know more about the Bible? Is reading it really enough, or is there some change of heart that has to take place after every reading to make it 'count'? I have to confess, I don't read the Bible every day. I want to.

Or at least I say I want to. If I really wanted to I would be doing it already. I think I just like idea of wanting to and the way it sounds when I say it outloud to people who will esteem me higher when I say it. But I think if I really wanted to I would. I talk to Tommie every day. I want to. I know I want to because I do it.

I have a lot more to say about this topic, but right now I need to get to work and I don't have time to write. I want to though...or at least I think I do.

Ax+By=C[ommunity], Right?

What is the role of community in our Christian lives? To be honest, I have no idea.

But I'm trying to find out.

I'm reading a book called "Kingdom of Couches" put out by CruPress. It's a short book written by a guy named Will Walker. Walker is a Campus Crusade worker at University of Texas (or at least that's what the books says....I assume that's not a lie). Anyway, his proposition and hypothesis is that community, in it's truest most real form, is essential to our development in faith and our relationship to Christ and God. I'd love to be able to explain all that he says, but I think I'd better wait until I've finished the book so I don't mix up anything or say something I don't believe two days from now.

I'm also participating in a 'community group' thing on Monday nights. It's really just a bunch of us getting together talking about random topics that we want to talk about....like next week we're talking about our relationships with non-Christians....But it's also us, inadequately striving to create some type of true 'knowing' of each other. We want to be Christians, but we want more than that to be family. We're trying, and I never thought it could be so complex. I know that we can't figure everything out and then give a try. It has to be worked out over time, over this semester, on more than just Monday nights and in a greater way than just conversation. We have to love, hurt, tell the truth, succeed, fail and most of all, be honest with each other. Through that we can come to see God's grace more truly for what it is. Community hurts and loves and more than anything else, it takes time. It just takes time.

Relationships cannot be formulized despite what Dr. Phil and Match.com would have you believe. Each relationship is too intricate with too many variables to ever be contrived. And so I guess what I'm learning from Monday nights so far is that I have to invest time. I'm willing and ready and I can't wait.

(And just for the sake of honesty, let me go ahead and say I'm scared to death. I'm scared that someone on Monday nights will find out who I am and how little I actually look like Christ. I'm afraid that I'm going to try to find community and I will fail. I'm terrified that just maybe I will be held responsible for my actions and also for my dreams. I'm so scared to be known, and I'm scared because I need it so much. So I guess.....Here's to community and here's to being subconsciously frightened of finding truth and knowing that I need it.)

Until next time.

What a Great Day for Brain Extension!

(IMPORTANT TO NOTE: This image is of Tommie, not myself. Additoinaly, it is arbitrary. There's no purpose for it other than fun...and teasing purposes...)

I don't know if it's because I've been reading a great variety of material lately, or because I'm actually finding myself intrigued by what I'm reading...But I have learned so much today. I feel like I'm a vertible cornucopia(sp?) of bright ideas and wonderful thoughts as a result of what I've learned today!

I know that all sounds ridiculous. That's who I am.

I've been reading this book put out by the CRUPress, the Campus Crusade book press. It's called Fantasy. It basically puts romantic relationships, sex and other items in that arena into a spiritual perspective in a conversational style that seriously sounds like it could be dialogue taken from my late night conversations with my girlfriends. It's hysterical, but at the same time it's informative and real and focuses on making God and Christ the number one focus of all we do. I could write days about what I'm learning there but I'll wait until I can make it more concise.

In other news, I'm learning how to read Arabic and Hebrew. This is byproduct of my class called Writing Systems. I love the class and it's making me start to think that I really might make it as a translator after all. Who knows. What I do know is that I can transliterate my name into about 6 different languages so far. I love it! In essence, finding the keys to writing these languages is akin to completing a truly enjoyable puzzle. I'm such a nerd and I like it.

So, pretty much that's what I have to say about today. It's wonderful and it's teaching me things. I can't wait to see where God takes my life and I kind of feel like days like these are the beginning...which is actually kind of funny because there's nothing special about today other than the way I feel.

Okay, so onward. It's time to put my learning to use. I have a 10 page paper due tomorrow that I haven't started. Yuck. Time to get to writing.