These Shoes Won't Make People Love Me

Tommie would probably be first to tell you, I own a phenomenal number of shoes. I have flats in all the essential colors-including magenta and tweed-and heels that could stab through a sternum. I also have the mandatory retro tennies (nike in my case) and a few hand-me-downs that I got from my exceedingly style-savvy mom. I like my shoes. In fact, this past weekend I went to Target and bought 2 pairs at one time-both sandals, and both absolutely necessary, after all, my other brown sandals are showing their wear and might not make it through June...That's actually true. I have them sitting lonely in my closet thinking that if I just keep them there I won't have to admit that they've finally died.

Anyway, I have so many shoes that Tommie actually questioned me about where I thought I would put them all when we move into our house after we get married. Would I need another cabinet? Will he have to share his side of the closet in order to acommodate the shoes to match each of my personalities? I laughed at the time, and still find it light-hearted and amusing, but my mood tongiht (a bit melancholy, I must admit) has me thinking a bit differently about my obsession with shoes and the way it matches what I'm feeling right now.

I read an article by a girl named Tara Leigh Cobble. She was in a store looking for THE killer outfit for the event she was going to, at which she would see her crush. She found the outfit...but while waiting in line to purchase the must-have, she said outloud(apparently her subconscious is more powerful than mine): "This won't make people love me." She continued to say, " This outfit-it won't make people love me. I just realized that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to get people to love me by buying this oufit."

It's not that she's consciously thinking, this outfit will make people fall at my feet and drool. It's that her frame of thinking was, what I've got now won't do, I need to turn someone's head with something other than what I have. This outfit will register a feeling in someone's mind that wouldn't previously be there. I have to confess, I think I do the same thing with shoes on occasion. I think I look at a pair of shoes and think, "What would people think of me if I wore these shoes?" Would I be sexy, stylish, casual, emo, sweet-looking. What is it that I'm trying for? Will it make Tommie turn his head? Will the response to these shoes or this outfit finally make him do the thing that will let me know that he will love me forever? (by the way...a ring usually means that...)

Tonight I'm dying for Tommie to call. He's been in Alabama all week and I still won't see him until Friday late. It will only be two weeks we haven't seen each other, but I dare you to try it with your sweetheart before you smirk or laugh...it can be a little tough-not killer, but tough at least. Anyway, I'm dying for a phone call. I want him to say that he needs me, he HAS to talk to me because his night would not be complete without a soul-touching moment over the telephone lines. Actually, I want to call him, but I'm restraining myself because I know that I will be disappointed with what he has to "say," or at least what his actions (or my premption of his actions) have told my heart. I'm waiting for his actions to tell me that I'm loved by him when he's told me that more times that I probably need or deserve.

I do the same thing with shoes. I wear shoes sometimes just because they go with the outfit or because they have the right sole or attachments-because of their functionality of sorts...But there are times when I'm looking for my outfit to define me. I want people to see me and validate the fact that I'm emo, or sweet-looking, casual, stylish, sexy. Thing is, I preempt people's comments...I'm always disappointed with what they have to "say" because I'm hanging my hopes on the wrong thing.

I hope this is coming out okay and that anyone who's reading this following what I'm getting at. I want to say, I need to be careful with what I'm allowing to define my reality. Tommie may not call me, he may not tell me I'm beautiful today. No one may notice or mention the fact that I'm wearing magenta flats with a rhinestone brooch. They may not notice or they may not care. But there is one certainty---I have already been approved. I am already complete. I have already been made as beautiful as I could ever be. I have been accepted in all the forms that I come in (..I think even the sexy one...God made that too). The day Christ breathed his life into mine and the Spirit inhabited me I inheirited more acceptance and beauty than I would ever warrant on my own, or than shoes or phone calls could ever provide. I'm lonely and morose tonight-but it isn't right and I'll take the time to talk to God about it before I sleep. I'm accepted and loved now, as I am....AND SO ARE YOU if your life has been rejected then renewed by the Holy Spirit. It funny...all of that is so true, and yet, sometimes shoes are just fun....I'm still planning what shoes I'll wear tomorrow. The black flat Enzo Angelini ballets.