Mediocrity Will Kill This Cat

I met someone in Birmingham this week while I was up there with Tommie. He was generous and showed us around town and introduced us to the artsy side of the city that I was afraid it might not have- the side with the mismatched lamps and uneven tables and antique chairs that are lived in but elegant. He intoduced us to the city skyline from a view I'll never forget. And he introduced us to his life, his friends, his history, barely knowing us and taking us for who we were. Tommie and I became friends with him that day, and I hope we will be for quite some time. I think we have more to learn from him, explore with him.

One of the first things he wanted Tommie and me to see was his (new) fiancee's profile online. She was out of town in Costa Rica and attendds school out of state, so this was the only way he could share this extrememly important part of his life. So out of curiosity I checked her profile on Facebook..which of course was unavailable to me because I don't go to her school. So I will have to wait and see what this girl, woman, the woman that this man loves, is like apart from his amazing descriptions of her. Hopefully I can add her to the list of friends I made that day, in a roundabout sort of way.

While speaking with this new friend, he menitoned that his fiancee writes, and not just in diaries of some sort. She is a contributing writer to national magazines. So I Googled her writings and found one or two. I found one writing in which she was described a journey she took in Spain through the mountains. In perfectly concise and beautiful detail she described a small, unremarkable stone cave cafe of sorts, where she met Spain and the mystery of that mountain. It was beautiful writing. He was right, she's incredibly talented, and apparently motivated as well to have her work published. She has written quite a few things, though this was the only one I read.

I sat and read this beautiful writing and wanted to cry...I hate to admit it, but I think it was out of a type of jealousy, jealousy for a gift that could touch a stranger through the impersonal media of a computer screen. I'm jealous to have a gift that touches anyone at all. I'm jealous for the motivation to make a difference or to share what knowledge of life I dare to believe I possess.

I felt these things amidst my knowledge that I should repent of these thoughts: as everyone is quick to remind me, we all have our gifts, our talents. We should be thankful for them and use them to the best of our ability for God's will in our life. I agree. I know... I don't feel it. I desire a purpose that I have yet to see. I desire a strength to pursue things that I think I could maybe be gifted at. I want to bare my gifts and have them find some heart that is in need of them. I think though, I know, I am prideful, and I want my gifts to be noticed.

God change my heart. Write in my heart the truth of what you desire of me. Alter my desires that I would desire yours over mine, that I should speak of what you've done and not what I can do. Make me strong to pursue what you would have me, and strong to deny the pursuit of things which you would ask I not. Mediocrity will kill me, but pursuit of vanity will as well. Teach me. Teach me. Teach me.